Fruit

When I was a kid, my grandmother had a small wall hanging in her bedroom. It was a collection of tiny wooden plaques attached to one another like a long train heading up an imaginary track next to the door frame. Each piece of wood had a single word painted on it, "love" and "joy" and "peace" and some others. It was years before I connected that decoration with the verses from Galatians 5.

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

I read that list again this morning as part of my devotional time. I realized with dismay that my life more closely resembles the previous verses most of the time. Paul pointed to actions which make our focus on our own pleasures painfully obvious:

... hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy ...

And yet, it doesn't have to be this way. I looked at the "fruit of the Spirit" verses again. What would my life look like, I considered, if I were to truly allow God's Spirit to shine through me?

Living my life with Christ at the center, I have the power to

• care for myself and others with God's own heart
• delight in God's attention to every detail
• recognize that God holds me by the hand, no matter what my circumstances
• relax in God's perfect timing
• make life easier and more pleasant for those around me
• choose God's best in every situation
• remain true in my commitments to God, to myself, and to others
• temper my anger and my frustrations with God's grace
• be deliberate in my actions and reactions

Frankly, that sounds like a much nicer life to live than the one I'm generally inhabiting. Which makes me question, why don't I simply allow God to work His power in me, all the time? Instead I'm continually giving my heart to Him only to wrest it from His hands, screaming like a two-year-old, "Mine, mine, mine, mine!"

What exactly is it I think I'm gaining?

Two Things I Learned on the Water Slide

How the heck did it get to be December already? My parents weren't kidding about time moving faster as you get older!

A couple of weeks ago, Adam and I celebrated our birthdays. My in-laws' gift to us was a couple of nights at a local hotel with an indoor water park. Alone time and uninterrupted sleep being rare and precious commodities in our house, we decided to spend our days together with the kids splashing around in the pools and water slides, then each of us took one evening and overnight to stay in the room alone.

I didn't end up spending my evening alone. In fact, I picked up my 19-year-old niece to go for coffee and we spent the next several hours talking about everything from college to boys to Christianity to the Occupy Wall Street movement. Finally, as midnight was approaching, I decided I'd better take her home, lest she turn into a pumpkin.

After a lovely full night's sleep without anyone bumping into me in bed, I took a few final rides on the 160-foot water slide before checking out. God used that opportunity to teach me some important lessons.

1. It's okay to have fun by myself, in fact, it's necessary
Rosi and I had had a blast riding the water slide together our first day at the hotel. Unfortunately, they had to close the slide for maintenance the afternoon of the second day, so she wasn't able to ride on it again. We splashed around in the other pools (there were three total, plus two hot tubs) and slid down the kiddie slides with Adam and Ian.

After discovering the big slide was open again the next morning, I thought about picking up the kids for a quick visit. But, I figured by the time I drove home, we got them ready to go, drove back to the hotel, and actually were ready to use the pool, it would be nearly time to check out. So I went down the slide a couple of times on my own, thinking about how much fun Rosi would have had if she were there, and feeling a bit guilty that she wasn't able to experience it with me.

As I climbed up out of the pool after my second or third ride, the thought occurred to me that I didn't need to feel guilty because I wasn't doing anything wrong. Not only was it good for me to be having fun on my own, but it was important. Nobody can be having fun all the time. In this broken world, at any given moment someone (probably lots and lots of someones) are hurting or hungry or afraid. If we limit our own enjoyment of life to only that which can simultaneously be enjoyed by everyone else, we're not going to enjoy anything.

I don't mean to suggest that we shouldn't do what all we can to help those who are hungry or hurting, but not enjoying the pleasure that is in my life, because everyone else can't share it with me, simply leaves me miserable without offering any benefit to anyone.


2. Trusting the one who designed the course makes the ride a whole lot more fun.
Prior to this hotel stay, the last time I'd gone down a water slide was not a good experience for me. That slide was completely enclosed so I couldn't really see what was coming next. I ended up off balance, landing in the water on my belly and hitting my elbow on the end of the slide.

With those memories at the forefront of my mind, I was feeling pretty cautious the first few times I rode down this new slide. I kept my hands pressed against the sides to slow myself down and help stay upright. As I continued to slide, I started feeling more comfortable with the ride, but I still worried that if I didn't hold on, I'd start going too fast or tip over to one side or suffer some nasty accident--160 feet down looks awfully high from the top!

After about a dozen rides, it occurred to me that any water slide designer worth his salt would naturally design a slide that's really difficult to fall from. Furthermore, any park that installs a slide would have a vested interest in the safety of the riders, if for no other reason than because injuries are bad for business.

Finally, I gathered up the courage to let go, just sliding down with the water and not worrying (too much) about losing control or falling off. My last couple of rides were definitely the best ones of the whole visit. I wasn't tense or worried. Splashing from one side to the other as I rode around the curves was fun rather than scary. Believing that the creator of the ride knew what he was doing and trusting that he had it all worked out to keep me where I was supposed to be allowed me to appreciate the topsy-turvy feeling, smile at the rush of wind in my face, and anticipate the splash at the end.

Excrementalism

Apparently, I wasn't the only one pondering crap this past week. Christine put up a thought-provoking post There is no healing without poo. Go on over and read it, I'll wait.

(humming to self)

Quite an epiphany, right? And it makes so much sense. You have to let the bad stuff out so the good stuff has space to fit in.

Over the past few years, two different friends have had babies diagnosed with "imperforate anus" a condition in which the anus is closed or smaller in diameter than it should be. For one friend, the diagnosis came after her newborn wasn't nursing well. She explained it this way, "He wasn't wanting to eat because he wasn't able to poop very well, so he was feeling full."

I think that's true emotionally as well. When we don't let the poo out, we aren't able to receive the nourishment we need. There's no room to experience love, joy, peace, and all the rest of it.

Something to think about the next time you visit the loo.

Love and Bullshit

If you are related to me or you've read some of my previous posts on the issue, you already know I grew up in a family that didn't have a very good understanding of what love truly means. While I was taught that God is Love and my parents loved me no matter what, I didn't really get it. Love, for me, was a matter of usefulness. If I could do something for you, you would love me. Now, that might be anything from balancing your checkbook to making you feel special, but in the end, it all boiled down to my own efforts.

Sometime about college, I started to gather more information on the whole idea of God's grace. I mostly got it, I thought. God loves us because He made us. Even though I didn't do anything special for Him, He still thought I was pretty nifty because He'd created me. That seemed to make sense. Being the crafty sort myself, I could see liking something I made, just because. Yet, I couldn't help but think He'd love me more or better if I did more for Him.

Life went on, and I met Adam. I may not have shared this before, but he is the only boyfriend I've had. I never personally dealt with the whole concept of romantic love before, except in wholly one-sided, imaginary relationships. He told me he loved me just for me; I thought that was pretty cool. Still, especially after we got married, I could see that there was some benefit for him in having me around. And vice versa, of course.

It started to bother me, the fact that I couldn't quite identify what exactly love is. Not that it kept me up nights worrying, but periodically, in passing, I'd remember that I couldn't pinpoint real, true love, and I'd feel bad about that.

Earlier this year, Adam and I had to work through some really serious issues in our marriage. We needed to have a conversation that I hope never to have again, deciding whether or not we were willing to move forward in our relationship or if we would just walk away. Obviously, at the end of that discussion, we chose the former. It was a good choice.

I was thinking about our talk last night and sharing with Adam how glad I was we'd come to the conclusion that we are worth fighting for. Even as hard as some parts of the last few years have been, I told him, I would rather be working through the mess here with him than be somewhere else on my own, having avoided it altogether.

I've known for several years that I'm what's called a "verbal processor," which is just a fancy way of saying that I think about things best by talking them through. Frequently, I'm not particularly aware of my thoughts on a subject until ideas fall fully-formed out of my mouth.

Yesterday, for the first time, I realized I finally have a grasp on the whole love thing. It's not about how useful it might be to have you around. It's not whether or not I had anything to do with your being. And, contrary to what Erich Segal proposed, love certainly hasn't meant never having to saying I'm sorry.

Nope, stripped of flowery sentiment, I have discovered that love simply means I'd rather be mucking out the stable with you than riding in the rodeo without you.

Already Saved by Grace

Because I couldn't write it any better, I want to direct your attention to a great post from At a Hen's Pace this week called Unhealthy Guilt. For anybody who grew up with a cloud of "I'm not good enough" surrounding them, I highly recommend a read.

Evil Sucks

I had a disturbing dream just before I woke up about someone trying to hurt my kids. This morning I'm feeling pretty disgusted by the presence of evil in the world.

I've got it pretty good. I recognize that (most of the time). Overall, I live in a peaceful place. We have clean water and abundant food. We are free to worship God, or the god of our choosing, or no god at all, in pretty well whatever manner we see fit. We have access to educational opportunities aplenty. World-class healthcare services are practically on our doorstep.

And yet, we are also surrounded by disease, selfishness, destruction, and pain. People choose to hurt others because they can. Or because they don't care. Or because they just don't think.

So many people work so hard to make the world a better place to live. Yet so many others do nothing, or even actively work to make life more difficult for others. I'm having trouble today with the dichotomy.

I believe that God has wisdom far beyond my understanding. I really do. Still, today (like most days) I just can't imagine WHY free will was the best way to create people. Would the world really be worse off it we simply couldn't make bad choices? Really??

Ten Hundred Million Years

Rosi has a typically childish notion of time. That is to say, she really has no concept of how long an hour, a day, or a year is. When something hasn't happened soon enough to please her (generally the instant she suggests it), she'll complain that it's been hours or days or even "ten hundred million years" since she first asked and she can't possibly wait any longer.

After she made such a comment the other day in the car, I explained to Adam my theory as to why time moves so much faster for Rosi than for the rest of us: in her universe, everything revolves around her. Since she's so much smaller than the sun, it all goes by that much quicker.

Meanwhile, it's been positively forever since my last post. We've been doing our best to keep ourselves occupied here, so let me give you a bulleted list of what we're up to these days.

• I've been spending a lot of time cooking, thinking about cooking, reading about cooking, writing about cooking (I have 60+ recipes posted over at Low-Carb Real Food), and trying to take half-decent pictures of my food. And when I'm done with all that, I spend a few minutes eating and then the kitchen has to be cleaned up all over again. Cooking three meals a day at home makes for a lot of dishes!
• Ever since I made the doll for my contest winner a couple of years ago, I've been wanting to make another and work out my own pattern. I even went so far as to buy yarn for the project a few months back. Then I got caught up doing other things, and I've only gotten back to it the last week or so. As best I can figure, I'm about halfway done. I've also run out of stuffing, so I need to make a run to the store before I can finish any further. Originally, this doll was meant to be for Rosi, but she'd been begging for another doll who would close its eyes when lying down. We found one for 25¢ at a garage sale over the summer and it's been well loved by both the kids. Since Rosi has a new-to-her doll, I decided that once I finish this one, it will be for Ian. I'm shooting to make it a birthday gift, which means I have about 2½ months to complete the doll and make it some clothes.
• I've been homeschooling Rosi to a greater or lesser degree for about two years now. We've tried a few different educational philosophies, but the one we keep returning to is unschooling, or interest-led learning. I really felt like I was trying too hard last year, pushing her when she didn't need any pushing. This year, I decided we really needed some support and community in the homeschooling arena. A couple of weeks ago, we joined a local homeschool group. we've gotten together with them for a couple of activities already and it's been a lot of fun. I'm really excited about what's coming up in the next several months. Rosi is too. It's been difficult for her to maintain friendships when she doesn't see kids at school everyday. A few of our neighbors have kids, but most of them are younger. The one friend her own age that she'd made in our building moved out several months ago. We also haven't had a regular church we've been attending, so that hasn't been a viable avenue for ongoing friendships either.
• And speaking of churches, we actually visited one this morning that we'd all like to go to again. The people were welcoming, the message was solid and timely, the music was good, and I was really happy with the way they handled communion. I've been less than impressed with the way children are so often overlooked when it comes to communion. I understand that families and denominations have differing beliefs about who can take communion. But, in practice, I am very uncomfortable with the way my kids have been treated when we've visited some churches and have brought them up for communion. It is very rare to find a communion "policy" noted in the bulletin or announced during the service. At the church we worshiped in this week, however, the pastor invited the congregation to participate and noted that each family should determine whether their children should receive the bread and wine. One of the things I loved most about our church in Illinois was the recognition that we all don't agree on a lot of theological points--and that's okay. The Church is big enough for people to hold different ideas about baptism or communion or speaking in tongues. Those issues are not actually central to the Gospel and they shouldn't be treated as if they were. I'm excited to find someplace that makes a point of that right in the service.
• Ian is having his own version of interest-led learning. You might call it "toilet unschooling." For the past month or so, he's been pretty frequently asking to use the toilet. He's also gotten really remarkable in the way he can undress himself and take a diaper off, even when he's snapped into a bodysuit. So, I've mostly given up on trying to keep him dressed. I insist that he wear a diaper when we're out or while he's sleeping, but most of the time he spends the majority of his day running around the house without any clothes on. He uses the toilet more than not, and for those times when he doesn't quite make it, I keep a spray bottle of cleaner and a roll of paper towels handy. As an added bonus, I figure he's probably saved us about $15 in diapers so far.

Well, that's not everything we've been up to, but that's probably enough for one post. I will try to start updating with a little more frequency again. Maybe I can manage to post more like once a week rather than once a month. For now, I'm going to go catch up on some sleep!

Favorite Sunday School Songs

I've mentioned the CD of children's Bible songs that Rosi so enjoys. I started thinking recently about some other songs we might introduce. I considered simply purchasing another collection, but I don't know many and I'd rather not spend money on something that may or may not be better than what we've already got. There are a lot of crummy children's music CDs out there. Anybody know a good collection of Bible songs you can recommend?

It occurred to me that I may end up having to put together a collection myself, so I started a list of good songs that I'd like my kids to learn (or at least songs I won't mind hearing so much). What are your favorite songs from Sunday school, VBS, and church camp?

So far on my list I have:

• The Arky Barky Song (Children of the Lord)
• Father Abraham Had Many Sons
• I've Got the Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy Down in my Heart
• Pass It On
• This Is the Day

Things You Never Expect to Hear

At Ian's baptism last Easter, he was given a crucifix. Rather than simply having the cross hanging on a wall, Adam and I feel it's important to allow him to touch it and interact with it on his own level. In practical terms, that means he plays with it. As with any item that is not designed for toddler use, we do supervise his play, but we don't require that he use it only for specifically religious activities.

This morning, Adam was on the living room floor playing with the kids. I was nearby, but otherwise occupied, when I suddenly overheard him give Ian an instruction in his Daddy-who-must-be-obeyed voice.

You do not hit Rosi with Jesus.

And thus we begin Holy Week. A blessed Palm Sunday to all.

What's the 2nd Greatest Commandment?

Somebody (I can't remember who anymore) gave us a book of Bible stories that came with a CD of children's songs. Rosi has taken to listening to the CD whenever we'll allow it.

Now, generally, I hate to limit her time singing and praising God, but this collection, while biblically based, tends a bit more toward insipid than inspiring. I try to listen with just half an ear while reminding myself that it's certainly a joyful noise unto the Lord.

Rosi was singing one of these songs in the car this morning and, once I identified the tune, didn't listen very closely. Then I caught a fragment of lyric and thought, "Wait, that's not right!"

I put on my listening ears and chuckled to myself as she sang her own version of a ditty about loving your neighbor.

The original words are:

La la la la la la la
Love your neighbor as yourself

Rosi's version went:

La la la la la la la
La, your neighbor has your stuff

When I told Adam about it later, he laughed and asked, "Does that make it okay, then, to covet your neighbor's things?"

The Hard Stuff

Marriage is hard. I knew that going in. We even wrote about it on the back of our wedding program. Yet, right from the start I was surprised by just how challenging I found our marriage.

While we were engaged, Adam and I took this relationship inventory (it was not, we were told, a compatibility test). Our results came back very high. The only number I actually remember anymore is a 100% we got for communication, but all the scores were high. In the hubris of young love, I rather expected we were starting off ahead of the game and I supposed marriage wouldn't be as hard for us as it was for most couples. It's been quite humbling to find I'm not so gifted at this relationship thing after all.

In the years since our engagement, I've discovered that what I had thought made marriage hard, the sacrifices, the compromises, the refocus on us rather than me, has been a breeze compared to the real hard stuff: complete and utter honesty with myself and my husband. Marriage requires me not only to recognize that I am not perfect in some vague theoretical sense, but to take responsibility for my imperfect actions and reactions that hurt the man I love and do damage to our relationship.

I have to set aside my Suzy-on-top-of-it mask, step out from behind the screen of "I've got everything together; I don't need any help" and trust Adam to show me mercy, compassion, and grace when I have failed utterly. It requires me to be transparent, vulnerable. I don't like vulnerable. I like to be able to trust myself and not have to count on anybody else. Adam says I'm a control freak. Or, when he's feeling more generous, he calls me high maintenance.

Sally Albright: Well, I just want it the way I want it.
Harry Burns: I know; high maintenance.
    from When Harry Met Sally

It's just so much easier not to have to rely on somebody else, especially when I know he is going to let me down. Maybe not today or even this week, but, because he's imperfect himself, Adam lets me down sometimes. He says and does things that hurt me. I don't like that. And, if I am being honest, I say and do things that hurt him. I don't like that either.

Still, if I don't let Adam get close enough to hurt me, he's not close enough to love me either. Just why these two must go hand in hand is part of my ongoing argument with God about the necessity of free will. However, until I can convince Him otherwise (I'm not holding my breath waiting for that day), this is the way of the world. I don't like it, but if I refuse to accept it, if I hold back or try to hide the real me in an attempt to keep from experiencing pain, I miss out on real love.

That is very, very hard.

I Needed to Read This Again

It's been that kind of a week. I was reminded a couple of days ago of the Psalm 23 paraphrase I wrote several months ago and thought it was worth revisiting.

May the peace of the Lord be with you, whatever your circumstances.

The Lord is my guardian,
He will provide everything I’ll ever need.
He calls me to rest and provides me with abundance,
He walks with me, satisfying my hunger and slaking my thirst,
He makes my soul new.
He leads me to make good choices in life,
Because I love Him.

Even when I pass through dark and dangerous places,
I have nothing to be afraid of,
Because You are beside me;
The power You hold in Your hands
Encourages me to be brave.

You bless me and celebrate me
Right in front of those who’d rather hurt me.
You heal my injuries and show everyone that You choose me;
I am filled with joy.

All the good things You give me will be with me
For the rest of my life,
And I will be a part of Your family
Always.

Some of the News Fit to Digitize

So much for coming back to post regularly, huh?

I've started a few updates over the last couple of months, but each time I got interrupted before I could finish, then lost my motivation or my train of thought or my seat at the computer. Now, seemingly suddenly, more than two months have passed.

As you might imagine, our son is growing by leaps and bounds. He's already seven months old. He crawls and cruises and he's been fussing the past 10 days or so sprouting four new teeth! Solid foods are his friend and he has started eating at least one full meal a day of nothing but solids. His favorites are avocado, banana, potato, and popcorn (just the soft puffy bit, not the kernel).

Rosi is doing her best to alternately care for him and torment him. She likes the idea that we'll trust her with the responsibility of watching him for a few minutes while we change out the laundry or check on dinner, but that doesn't preclude her desire to bonk him on the head with one of his stuffed toys just because she can.

She's been really making some breakthroughs of her own in the beginning stages of reading and spelling. She's able to pretty consistently sound out simple words, though the process is still slow. Rhyming is a favorite pass time (and car game) here. Her imagination is really been running wild as well. She enjoys making toys and tools from paper and whatever she finds around the house. The other day she came into the room carrying a dowel rod with her belt tied to one end. "Look, Mom," she told me. "I made a fishing pole!"

The whole family is getting ready to visit Adam's parents for the dedication of the New Testament translation they've finished. We've got our passports and we're working on making the travel arrangements. Despite my own experiences traveling to many places around the world--and not all of them easily accessible--it still amazes me that, in this modern age, there are places that require five days travel just to reach.

I'm also a bit overwhelmed at the idea of trekking through the jungle with my kids in tow. In all the adventure travel fantasies I ever had, I was never toting children along with me. Adam, on the other hand, is excited to be going home. He's not had the opportunity to visit since he left for college, which was nearly 20 years ago, now.

Otherwise, things are moving along. We're still trying to find a church home. It's a bit frustrating to visit church after church after church and still not be able to claim one as "ours." It does make for a bit of a sociological study, though. The biggest hurdle, for me at least, is that we show up on Sunday only to be completely ignored. Now, I'm not the sort who wants to stand up amidst a crowded service and introduce myself and my family, but isn't there even one person willing to go out of their way to recognize and welcome a family they don't know? Apparently such folks are few and far between.

Instead of that personal touch, we've gotten brief surveys, a worship CD, a gift card to the local bakery (because, as the enclosed note explained, "Jesus is the BREAD of life"), and an invitation to be included in the next church directory.

The bread was yummy, anyway.

So, we'll keep at it.

Well, not just for the bread ...

Back on the Face of the Earth

I know a few of you must have thought I'd fallen off. Not yet. Life has just been a bit busier than I was expecting. Therefore, instead of getting the series of real posts you deserve, you get this lovely bulleted list with highlights from the past month.

• Georgie, my beloved 14-year-old Saturn, broke her steering wheel for the second time since the fall. Given her age, Blue Book value, and the estimated cost of the repair, we felt it was in our best interest to buy a new-to-us car. After three days of test driving, comparing options, and recalculating our budget, we bought Jim, an 8-year-old Saturn with a few additional features Georgie never had, like power windows, cruise control, and a CD player.
• We took Jim on our first road trip since we moved here to Sioux Falls. Over Easter Weekend, we drove to Kenosha, Wisconsin to visit some old friends and have our son baptized. We loved participating in the Easter Vigil service at Light of Christ. Rosi and I went to the Easter morning service as well, but Adam stayed back at our hotel with the baby who was so tuckered out he slept the whole time!
• We are officially church hunting again. We actually were going to check out a new church this past Sunday, but three of the four of us were sick, so we stayed home and slept in instead. Thankfully, we're all recovered now and looking forward to visiting a local Lutheran church this weekend.
• I cut my hair! Well, okay, technically, Adam cut my hair. I was getting frustrated with the time and energy it took to maintain my long hair--not to mention how much conditioner it took to keep the tangles down. My hair is now very short in the back and about down to my cheekbones on top. In my opinion, it looks kind of '80s, but the '80s are hip and retro now, right? I've never been the stylish one on the block. I like it short anyway; the time it saves in the shower is amazing, and I'm convinced my conditioner will now last forever because the tiniest bit conditions my entire head!
• This next week, my dad is coming up for a visit. He was here last year about this time, but he'd flown in to the airport at Omaha, which is about a three-hour drive from us. We only had to drive down once for his return flight, since my brother picked him up when he arrived. This time, he found a flight directly to Sioux Falls, which will make for a much nicer drive to and from the airport. We're hoping to visit the zoo while he's here. We were planning to go with Adam's parents when they were here last fall, but the last several days of their visit were cold and rainy, so none of us felt much like walking around looking at empty animal enclosures.

Finally, I really would like to start blogging more. I think I need to find a time that I can regularly sit down and write a post or two every week. Actually, I think we're getting to the point where we need to have a weekly schedule again. I have found in the past that having a plan for my days really does help me get more accomplished. Otherwise, I feel like I'm constantly performing chore triage and noting much gets accomplished. I was thinking I might start with some easy posts, like a series of my favorite things. So, those of you who have faithfully kept us with me, even when I'm not keeping up well with you, please, leave a comment and let me know what favorites you might like to read about: movies? games? books? cooking shows? What do you want to know?

Growing Up to Be Me

I wrote this for myself about a year ago. I just found it in my files and it really spoke to me again. I thought maybe somebody else might need to read it today, too.

God, when I grow up, I want to be a snowflake. Or maybe a falling star. I want to be lovely and singular. I want to catch the attention of those who would otherwise miss the beauty of the world.

When I get big, I want to take on the big boys and play like I mean it. I want to look out for the little guys and make sure that everybody sticks to the rules. I want to climb out of this box labeled, "Unimportant--Discard" and be heard by everyone who has ever ignored me.

I want to believe in myself. I want to know that I can do it. I want to take pride in my accomplishments.

I don't want to be lonely or left out or forgotten.

I want to matter. I want to be important. I want to know that I am worth ... something ... anything ... a lot.

I want to be cool. I want to be respected. I want to be desired. I want to be admired. I know I am loved; I want to feel like I am.

I want to make a difference. I want to be remembered. I want to be missed when I'm not there.

I want to stop being scared that I don't count, that I don't have a voice, that I'm not ... something ... not someone.

I’m so tired of being scared. Magical thinking, I’ve heard it called. Believing that I have power in situations where I have none. I am afraid that if I say, “I want to know that everyone loves me for me, not just for what I do,” God will teach me this lesson by making me sick or injured or paralyzed, so that those who love me must do so only because of who I am.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

I John 4:18

You need have no fear of someone who loves you perfectly.

So, why am I still afraid?

• Habit
• Erroneous logic
• Wanting to be in control
• Remembering past hurts

How can I heal? How can I know who is trustworthy? How can I have faith in my own belief?

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-—not by works, so that no one can boast.

Ephesians 2:8-9

And, while I'm asking, God, why do I keep having to learn the same lessons again and again and again? Did I not really learn them the first time? Or is it just that I need to learn them on a deeper level now?

Sigh. Growing up is hard sometimes.

God, can I just curl up in Your lap for a while and take a nap?

God and Politics

I don't usually post on controversial topics here, but I saw a bumper sticker today that got me thinking. It said,

WWJD
Pro-life? Pro-choice?
What do you think?

At first, I rolled my eyes--yet another person trying to claim that God supports their political views.

Then I thought about it again. I came to the surprising conclusion that God is both.

Wasn't it His idea in the first place that we humans be given the freedom to make choices? Even poor choices? Even choices that hurt or kill others?

And isn't He also the one who wants us to have life and have it abundantly? To the best of our ability to live at peace with one another?

What I think, when it all comes down, is that God is less concerned about my politics and more concerned about my heart.

Haiti

My friend lives and works as a missionary in Haiti. I just got a short e-mail from her letting me know that she and her family are okay. The only other thing she said was:

Please keep praying - the situation is beyond terrible.

Please, keep praying. If you are able, send a special financial gift to one of the great organizations that is working to help the people there as they begin to recover from this disaster.

But, most of all, please pray.

Talking to Myself

I really enjoy taking time once in a while to read through old journals I have kept. Sure, they contain a lot of nonsense, but scattered throughout are wonderful gems that speak to me again months and years later. I like to think that indicates brief glimpses of wisdom. Maybe it just means I don't learn my lessons well, and God needs to keep showing me the same things again and again. This evening, I was reading through a journal I kept in 2003. The following passage really stood out to me.

When I try and I try and I try to do what it is I just can't do, I despair that I'm not living up to my potential. Ooh--were scarier words ever invented? Just like an egg is a potential chicken, I feel like I'm a potential good person. If I could just try a little harder, do a little better; if I would just listen to what God is trying to teach me.

I give up on myself ... I was going to say, "I give up on myself way more than God does" or "I give up on myself long before God will," but neither of those is true, because God will never give up on me!

Even when I'm sitting at the bottom of the mud hole, God doesn't throw down a rope, tie it to a stick, and walk off, waiting for me to climb out. He climbs right down next to me, because He knows I will need a shoulder to cry on long before I will be prepared to get up and let Him lead me back to the verdant pasture.

October is Clergy Appreciation Month

Most of the time when I think about the pastors in my life, it's with consideration to how they can best serve me. Maybe you're the same way. The only problem is, if I'm thinking that way, and you're thinking that way ... well, who ministers to the ministers?

Since October has been officially designated as the month to appreciate you pastors, I figured I'd share some ways for you (and me) to do just that.

Here is an article from the Christianity Today archives entitled Eight Ways to Encourage Your Pastor. It's a good place to start. For #2 ("Pray regularly"), you might find the prayer list below useful. You'll notice it's conveniently divided into 31 topics, one for each day of October.

Let's not forget to continue blessing our pastors once October is over. We need to encourage and support these leaders every month!

31 Prayers for Christian Leaders
Pastor, I am praying that you would

1. recognize your accountability to God for each decision and act. (Colossians 1:16)
2. have wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. (James 1:5)
3. protect your loving Christian witness. (Romans 10:14)
4. be strengthened and encouraged in your faith. (Ephesians 1:17-19)
5. know your own limitations and pray, seeking the will of God (Proverbs 3:5-7, Luke 11:9-13)
6. be open to the Spirit's conviction of sin, transgression, and iniquity (Psalm 51:17)
7. heed your conscience, confess your sins, and repent (Proverbs 28:13, James 4:7-8)
8. read the Bible and attend prayer meetings and Bible studies (Psalm 119:11, Colossians 3:2)
9. value and regard the teachings of Christ (Psalm 19:7-9, John 8:31-32)
10. honor your own parents and those who have provided a spiritual legacy (Ephesians 6:2-3, I Corinthians 4:15)
11. respect authority, and practice accountability (Romans 13:1-5)
12. pay attention to godly counsel and advice (Proverbs 24:6)
13. be honest and faithful to your spouse and children (Malachi 2:15-16)
14. participate in worship, and help to those in need (Hebrews 10:22-25)
15. desire purity and avoid debauchery, perversion, and drunkenness (I Corinthians 6:9-20, Titus 2:11-13)
16. practice timeliness, reliability, and dependability (Matthew 21:28-31)
17. act honorably in financial, tax, and ethical matters (I Corinthians 6:10, I Timothy 6:8-10)
18. recognize your own needs for pastoral care and counsel (Hebrews 13:7)
19. develop and nurture godly friendships (Proverbs 17:17)
20. have generosity and a compassionate heart for the poor and needy (Psalm 112:9, Luke 10:33-37)
21. keep or seek to restore unity with other Christians (John 17:20-22)
22. use your time wisely and know true godly priorities (Ephesians 5:15-17)
23. show honesty, integrity, and loyalty (Psalm 26, Proverbs 11:3)
24. resist manipulation, pressure, and the fear of man (Proverbs 29:25, II Timothy 1:7)
25. be protected from occultism and false religions (Isaiah 2:6)
26. adhere to a godly worldview and biblical principles (Ephesians 3:9-10)
27. encouraging families toward divine order and morality (Ephesians 5:22-6:4)
28. work to discount false teachings and foolish divisions in the Church (I Timothy 1:3-4)
29. be willing to serve and cooperate with humility and meekness (John 13:14, Titus 3:1-2)
30. accept valuable instruction and correction (Job 22:22, Proverbs 10:17)
31. be prepared to give account to Almighty God (James 3:1)

Psalm 23

Just about every Christian I know has paraphrased the 23rd Psalm at one time or another. The attempt to make the words of an ancient shepherd fit the life of a modern city dweller is not always easy. Recently, I felt prompted to rewrite the passage in my own words, trying to make what David said more meaningful to me in the place I am.

The Lord is my guardian,
He will provide everything I’ll ever need.
He calls me to rest and provides me with abundance,
He walks with me, satisfying my hunger and slaking my thirst,
He makes my soul new.
He leads me to make good choices in life,
Because I love Him.

Even when I pass through dark and dangerous places,
I have nothing to be afraid of,
Because You are beside me;
The power You hold in Your hands
Encourages me to be brave.

You bless me and celebrate me
Right in front of those who’d rather hurt me.
You heal my injuries and show everyone that You choose me;
I am filled with joy.

All the good things You give me will be with me
For the rest of my life,
And I will be a part of Your family
Always.