God, when I grow up, I want to be a snowflake. Or maybe a falling star. I want to be lovely and singular. I want to catch the attention of those who would otherwise miss the beauty of the world.
When I get big, I want to take on the big boys and play like I mean it. I want to look out for the little guys and make sure that everybody sticks to the rules. I want to climb out of this box labeled, "Unimportant--Discard" and be heard by everyone who has ever ignored me.
I want to believe in myself. I want to know that I can do it. I want to take pride in my accomplishments.
I don't want to be lonely or left out or forgotten.
I want to matter. I want to be important. I want to know that I am worth ... something ... anything ... a lot.
I want to be cool. I want to be respected. I want to be desired. I want to be admired. I know I am loved; I want to feel like I am.
I want to make a difference. I want to be remembered. I want to be missed when I'm not there.
I want to stop being scared that I don't count, that I don't have a voice, that I'm not ... something ... not someone.
I’m so tired of being scared. Magical thinking, I’ve heard it called. Believing that I have power in situations where I have none. I am afraid that if I say, “I want to know that everyone loves me for me, not just for what I do,” God will teach me this lesson by making me sick or injured or paralyzed, so that those who love me must do so only because of who I am.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
I John 4:18
You need have no fear of someone who loves you perfectly.
So, why am I still afraid?
- Erroneous logic
- Wanting to be in control
- Remembering past hurts
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-—not by works, so that no one can boast.
And, while I'm asking, God, why do I keep having to learn the same lessons again and again and again? Did I not really learn them the first time? Or is it just that I need to learn them on a deeper level now?
Sigh. Growing up is hard sometimes.
God, can I just curl up in Your lap for a while and take a nap?