Unpredictability is really tough for me. I like my life to be nicely ordered and ... well, frankly, kind of boring. Sure, I like to be spontaneous once in a while, but I want to be the only one. I'm not good at flexible and I don't like going with the flow.
It really bothers me that God does not do things my way. On the one hand, I guess I'm glad, since I recognize I'd make a lousy and vengeful god. Still, I don't like having to wait on His decisions and His timing and the outcome that He has preordained--particularly when there is a good chance that it might not fit well at all in what I have already decided I want.
One thing I've discovered about myself by writing this blog is that I think in song lyrics a lot. These are from Ginny Owens's "If You Want Me To"
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone
The concept is a tough one for me to wrap my head around--going ANYWHERE with God is better than going everywhere without Him. Except, God never seems to give me access to that nicely printed itinerary I so much want to see. He just says, "Come on, it will be great!" and that has to be enough.
It sure doesn't feel like enough sometimes. I know it's supposed to be, and yet, there are days when I just want more information. I was talking to my brother this week about a project I've been working on, only I didn't have a good sense of the overall project, just my little piece. I was explaining how hard it is for me to just see a few steps because I understand things the best when I can first see the big picture, then how I fit within that context. With God, though, He doesn't seem so keen on showing me the big picture, just my own little corner of it--and even that not all at once.