Friday, July 17

The Trust Thing, Again

I had a sort of realization the other night. It's easy to trust someone when you know that he will do exactly what you would do in the same situation. That's not really like trust at all. What's hard is trusting someone when you have no idea what he might do.

Unpredictability is really tough for me. I like my life to be nicely ordered and ... well, frankly, kind of boring. Sure, I like to be spontaneous once in a while, but I want to be the only one. I'm not good at flexible and I don't like going with the flow.

It really bothers me that God does not do things my way. On the one hand, I guess I'm glad, since I recognize I'd make a lousy and vengeful god. Still, I don't like having to wait on His decisions and His timing and the outcome that He has preordained--particularly when there is a good chance that it might not fit well at all in what I have already decided I want.

One thing I've discovered about myself by writing this blog is that I think in song lyrics a lot. These are from Ginny Owens's "If You Want Me To"

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

The concept is a tough one for me to wrap my head around--going ANYWHERE with God is better than going everywhere without Him. Except, God never seems to give me access to that nicely printed itinerary I so much want to see. He just says, "Come on, it will be great!" and that has to be enough.

It sure doesn't feel like enough sometimes. I know it's supposed to be, and yet, there are days when I just want more information. I was talking to my brother this week about a project I've been working on, only I didn't have a good sense of the overall project, just my little piece. I was explaining how hard it is for me to just see a few steps because I understand things the best when I can first see the big picture, then how I fit within that context. With God, though, He doesn't seem so keen on showing me the big picture, just my own little corner of it--and even that not all at once.

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