Life in Theory

My virtual life is a whole lot easier to live than my actual life. Maybe other bloggers have noticed this, too. I can't remember ever having read about it, however. I just find it a lot simpler to write about my philosophies and my faith than to actually live it out day to day and moment to moment.

Grace seems a little harder to come by, somehow, at the time when I really need it.

Adam and I got into a fight tonight when he got home from work. I was tired and I think I'm getting sick and I hadn't had enough protein (I'm hypoglycemic). Also, our daughter is sick and has been whiny and clingy all day. None of these things excuse my behavior, but maybe they help to explain why I started out in a bad mood.

So I started yelling and fussing and complaining. And Adam fretted right back at me. He wanted to know how I could have just finished writing about God's grace but be so angry and defensive toward him. That really didn't help me feel any better. I had a lot of thoughts, but didn't really want to share them with him at the time. It felt too personal just then. The last thing I wanted to do was make myself vulnerable in a moment when I was feeling hurt.

The truth is, I just find it so much easier to believe in what I say in theory than in actual fact. It's a lot easier to talk about God's grace than to live it. Especially when I'm sick and tired and protein deprived. Grace seems a little harder to come by, somehow, at the time when I really need it. Or maybe the problem is, I just don't feel like showing grace in those moments.

Adam, I'm really sorry I blew up at you. That's twice this week that I've taken out on you what has little or nothing to do with you. I wish I could be as good a wife in real life as I like to think I am on line. I love you. Please forgive me.