Growing Up to Be Me

I wrote this for myself about a year ago. I just found it in my files and it really spoke to me again. I thought maybe somebody else might need to read it today, too.

God, when I grow up, I want to be a snowflake. Or maybe a falling star. I want to be lovely and singular. I want to catch the attention of those who would otherwise miss the beauty of the world.

When I get big, I want to take on the big boys and play like I mean it. I want to look out for the little guys and make sure that everybody sticks to the rules. I want to climb out of this box labeled, "Unimportant--Discard" and be heard by everyone who has ever ignored me.

I want to believe in myself. I want to know that I can do it. I want to take pride in my accomplishments.

I don't want to be lonely or left out or forgotten.

I want to matter. I want to be important. I want to know that I am worth ... something ... anything ... a lot.

I want to be cool. I want to be respected. I want to be desired. I want to be admired. I know I am loved; I want to feel like I am.

I want to make a difference. I want to be remembered. I want to be missed when I'm not there.

I want to stop being scared that I don't count, that I don't have a voice, that I'm not ... something ... not someone.

I’m so tired of being scared. Magical thinking, I’ve heard it called. Believing that I have power in situations where I have none. I am afraid that if I say, “I want to know that everyone loves me for me, not just for what I do,” God will teach me this lesson by making me sick or injured or paralyzed, so that those who love me must do so only because of who I am.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

I John 4:18

You need have no fear of someone who loves you perfectly.

So, why am I still afraid?

• Habit
• Erroneous logic
• Wanting to be in control
• Remembering past hurts

How can I heal? How can I know who is trustworthy? How can I have faith in my own belief?

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-—not by works, so that no one can boast.

Ephesians 2:8-9

And, while I'm asking, God, why do I keep having to learn the same lessons again and again and again? Did I not really learn them the first time? Or is it just that I need to learn them on a deeper level now?

Sigh. Growing up is hard sometimes.

God, can I just curl up in Your lap for a while and take a nap?

The Digital Gap

We're working our way through a free trial of Netflix this month. Rosi has been asking to see more movies through their instant online viewer, so I queued up Jetsons: The Movie for us to watch together.

As it loaded, she asked me what it was. I told her it was a cartoon. I also mentioned that it was something I used to watch when I was about her age.

"Did you watch it on this site?" She asked.

"No," I replied. "They didn't have the internet when I was your age."

"Oh," she responded. "Did you watch it on Hulu?"

Spring

I'd always thought of spring as being heralded by birds in song and flowers in bloom. If that's true, we're not quite seeing signs of spring here in South Dakota Maybe there's a precursor to spring ... a season after winter has ended, but before spring has, um, sprung.

What to call it? Wing? Sprinter? Whatever its name, it is muddy and foggy and, honestly, not warm enough for the shorts and t-shirts I keep seeing folks walking around in.

Crazy people.

I do admit to going out without a coat today, though. It was 40° after all.

Ka-CHING! (or Don't You Love the Sound of Free?)

The internet abounds with free ebooks. I know. I've gone looking for them once or half a dozen times. And, in most cases, when I see the selection, I realize pretty quickly just why these books are free--they're not worth spending my money. Generally, they're not worth spending my time, either.

This is not that book! Not only is this a book worth spending your time reading, but I have actually spent money on it in hard copy. Sushi for One is the debut novel from Camy Tang. It's Asian-American Christian chick-lit, which, frankly, is reason enough to check it out--that's a rare combination right there. Not only is it unique, though, it's funny. It's well-written. It's free, people!

Head on over to Camy's blog for all the details and links for download. What are you waiting for? I've already got mine and I'm really looking forward to reading it again.

God and Politics

I don't usually post on controversial topics here, but I saw a bumper sticker today that got me thinking. It said,

WWJD
Pro-life? Pro-choice?
What do you think?

At first, I rolled my eyes--yet another person trying to claim that God supports their political views.

Then I thought about it again. I came to the surprising conclusion that God is both.

Wasn't it His idea in the first place that we humans be given the freedom to make choices? Even poor choices? Even choices that hurt or kill others?

And isn't He also the one who wants us to have life and have it abundantly? To the best of our ability to live at peace with one another?

What I think, when it all comes down, is that God is less concerned about my politics and more concerned about my heart.

Sometimes I Forget

Sometimes, I forget that I've lost all touch with reality. I forget that babies are supposed to take multiple-hour naps two or three times a day. When you have a kid that doesn't like to sleep during the daytime, and another kid who likes to make loud noises while the baby's trying to sleep, that can be hard to remember. On the days when my baby does act like a typical 3 month old, I get all nervous.

Like today--he's just been sleeping forever. Is he sick? I checked on him and he's still breathing.

And, suddenly, I'll look at the clock and realize, oh, it's only been an hour and a half. What a nice nap!